2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament: Round 2, Part 1 (2024)

We have moved into the second round of the 2022 Detroit Lions Name Bracket Tournament, and all remains relatively quiet. It was a pretty standard first round, with no devastating upset or tomfoolery in the voting process.

But as Name Bracket veterans will tell you, this is where things generally go wonky. The decisions get tougher, and the voters get more impatient. This is where the cracks in the foundation start to appear on the site, like a portal to the upside down. If we’re not careful, we will open up a rift to the underworld and release Vecna into our realm to plop our eyeballs out or force us to listen to that godforsaken “IF I COULD, MAKE A DEAL WITH GOD” (“Stranger Things” spoilers in that link) song to prevent our own damnation.

Let’s take a quick glance at the top left region before we get into the first half of our Round 2 matchups:

The biggest upset we saw was Kalif Raymond taking down Alex Anzalone. There is some evidence of voter tampering, seeing as that matchup had about 300 more votes than any other poll, but if the vote was that close to begin with, Raymond was a worthy competitor. Not much else to report, so let’s get into the next matchups.

1 Amon-Ra St. Brown vs. 9 Shane Zylstra

The Sun God pulled in 97 percent of the votes in the first round, and continues to be a heavy favorite to come out of this region. But what’s interesting is that if he were on the Chicago Bears, he may not have a top-five name at his own position.

This year #WeOwnTheBears is making a strong comeback, but they currently own us in the name department.

Shane Zylstra narrowly escaped Julian Okwara by a mere 53 votes, a small surprise. That said, Shane is a pretty underutilized name for one recognized as somewhat common in American culture. And who can argue with the literal meaning of the word: “Graced by God.”

Please refer to me as Jeremy Shane Reisman from now on.

5 Amani Oruwariye vs. 4 Penei Sewell

This is just an absolute showcase in vowelism. Literally every other letter in Amani Oruwariye is a vowel. That sort of balance is unprecedented and almost seems impossible to replicate. Here, I’ll try to make another name like it. Remur Ipanema. See? That name sucks. Amani Oruwariye is special.

Penei Sewell may not have the balance or the length of his competitor, but Penei is three-fifths vowels that spits in the face of conventionality. “I before E, except after C.” Screw that: Penei plays by his own rules. That sort of counter-culture attitude is matched by his persona on the field. You gotta love it when a name perfectly matches the person.

11 Kalif Raymond vs. 3 Obinna Eze

I’m not entirely sure why Kalif pulled the first-round upset. Perhaps it is boiled-over frustration for Alex Anzalone’s struggles on the field, but I don’t get it. Please explain yourselves in the comment section. You done messed up, and Anzalone didn’t deserve that.

Thankfully, Raymond’s spot in this tournament shouldn’t last very long. Obinna Eze is one of the most unique names in this competition, and as a first-timer, he has the added element of surprise. He’s the mid-major in this tournament that only had like one televised game all season. You cannot gameplan against Obinna Eze. You can only hope to survive.

7 Levi Onwuzurike vs. 2 Brady Breeze

I absolutely love this matchup. Levi Onwuzurike is underseeded and underappreciated. He even subverts expectations with his first name, throwing a “lee-vie” at you instead of a “leh-vee.” Onwuzurike almost has that exact same vowel balance as Oruwariye, except it may be even better because what other word has the letters “onwu” next to each other—and it’s somehow pronounced “own”? It turns out there is only one “word” with “onwu” in it: RONWUG, which is actually just an acronym for “Risc OS North West User Group.” That’s some nerdy stuff I don’t understand, and when I tried to find out more by going to their website, my browser warned me people may be trying to steal my information. I may not know who you are, RONWUG, but I’M ONTO YOU! WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

I pass my commentary on Brady Breeze to commenter dustinrharvey, who provided this interesting point, despite his own self deprecation:

Brady Breeze sounds like a drink served in Tampa Stadium.... now if he finds himself on the same roster as Tom and he stands next to him it would say is name. That’s not at all interesting

Now let’s take a look at the lower left region.

Not a single upset in the first down. Either y’all are boring or the NCAA needs as professional seeder like me on the competition committee.

1 Kalil Pimpleton vs. 8 Dan Skipper

This is a huge matchup for lovers of the letter P. Perhaps picking Pimpleton is your personal preference, but please ponder the perfection of a perky, prodigious player playfully prancing.

5 Shaun Dion Hamilton vs. 4 Cedric Boswell

Sometimes to find inspiration for these articles, I just say a name out loud a few times to see how my mind plays with the sounds. Using this method, I have found out that the name Shaun Dion Hamilton is very fun to say in “Pistons Player Introductions Announcer Voice.” You start with an understated, humble “shaun... dion...” then break into a “HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM-il-ton.” Almost as good as “Joe DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-mars.”

I’m still having a hard time putting into words why I like Cedric Boswell’s name as much as I do, but it’s so unique, yet unassuming. As an ancient philosopher once said—almost certainly speaking of Cedric Boswell’s name—“You don’t know you’re beautiful. That’s what makes you beautiful.”

6 Saivion Smith vs. 3 Derrick Deese Jr.

I have no commentary for this matchup. The comment section saw this coming and did my job for me:

7 Alim McNeill vs. 2 Trinity Benson

This is another “sit back and watch what happens” matchup. Two heavyweights fighting it out, and all we can do is watch in horror and subconscious glee, as one contender moves on and the other is discarded and forgotten about forever (or until training camp or whatever).