Sometimes, blueberry muffins just eat a man up.
Ever since my doctor mentioned to me that I should pay closer attention to eating a healthier diet, I’ve really tried to do it.After all, I was turning 40 at the time of that conversation, and I couldn’t eat like I was 20 anymore.Simply put, he made a lot of sense.
There’s a vast difference, however, between knowing a thing in one’s head and knowing a thing in one’s heart— and an even bigger difference between knowing something and acting on that knowledge.Most of the time, I do “OK” with moderating my intake of unhealthy foods.But, do y’all realize how many foods are unhealthy?
I didn’t … until I started reading the nutrition labels.It turned out that some of the foods that I thought were healthy were, in fact, not.Blueberry muffins are a case in point.Blueberries are a “superfood,” I thought, so therefore, blueberry muffins must be good for me.Right?They’re not, it seems.
I know, I know—eating a blueberry muffin isn’t a sin. However, I shouldn’t eat them; they’re not the healthiest option for breakfast. Therefore, I don’t keep blueberry muffins around the kitchen. After all, “out of sight, out of mind.” But I love blueberry muffins. I do. Truly and really, I do.
Someone brought a tray of them to an event I attended last week.After it was over, she told everyone to take home any of the food she’d brought that was left.I eyed the leftover blueberry muffins and asked, “Anything?Even these muffins?”She nodded, and I brought them home, certain in my ability to resist dietary temptation.Well, that was a mistake.
Since blueberry muffins are a “morning food” to me, my willpower stood firm the rest of the day.Along about breakfast time the next morning, though, those muffins started speaking to me.I didn’t even know that I could speak “blueberry muffin-ese.”Turns out I can.
So, I was standing there in the kitchen eyeing those muffins and listening to them call me from their innocuous package.“Just one won’t hurt …” I thought.Mistake No. 2.
I didn’t even make it to the kitchen table. I scarfed down that blueberry muffin in full bachelor mode, standing over the sink—I couldn’t waste the time needed to fetch a plate out of the cabinet within easy reach.I may have even made some “num, num, num” noises—that’s the only way that I can account for Simi Kat’s role in this little drama.
I felt her circling round my legs.Now, Simi Kat isn’t allowed “people food”—but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want it.Looking down, I saw Simi Kat eating blueberry muffin crumbs off the floor.I shooed her away and cleaned up the crumbs.Checking later, I found that small quantities of blueberries aren’t dangerous for cats to eat—unlike some “people foods”—so I didn’t worry about it.
How on earth had blueberry muffin crumbs ended up on the floor?After all, any crumbs should have fallen in the sink.I wiped my mouth—barbarian style—and there was a blue smear on the back of my hand.Ah-hah!I leaned over the sink and combed the rest of the crumbs out of my beard.I did mention that I scarfed down that first blueberry muffin, didn’t I?
Those remaining muffins started talking again.Since I’d already had one, why not just have two?After all, they’re just muffins.Picking up the package, my eye fell on the nutrition label.If the muffins were whispering to me in muffin-ese, that nutrition label spoke loud and clear in English.
There are nearly 500 calories in one single blueberry muffin!The carb count, sugar and even sodium are sky-high, too!Yes, blueberries are a “super-food.”But if those blueberries are all wrapped up in “muffin,” they’re not such a healthy option.
That nutrition label killed whatever temptation remained.
I obviously pay attention to the nutrition labels, and I do try to eat in a relatively healthy manner, but the key word there is “relatively.”Let’s just say that I eat in a healthier mannerrelativeto the way that I ate 15 years ago.Mostly, I try to moderate my intake of not-so-healthy foods.
I have a host of bad habits, so I’m not making light of this sort of temptation.I know what it’s like. Craving something that is bad for one’s well-being can be serious and difficult to overcome.
But I felt no pangs of anguished conscience about eating that blueberry muffin.In fact, I laughed about it when the realization of its ridiculousness struck me.It was like a scene in a TV sitcom when a character has an angel on one shoulder urging virtue and a devil on the other, enticing to vice.It’s never really a serious moral issue in those situations, and we all know how those scenes play out.
As it is, one way to silence a talking blueberry muffin is to gobble it down. It doesn’t have much to say after that.
David Murdock is an English instructor at Gadsden State Community College. He can be contacted at murdockcolumn@yahoo.com. The opinions reflected are his own.
